Janine's Articles From the Soul From the Outside Poetry Corner Prisoner Letters

Issue 87

I’ve gone through some difficult times lately, some painful times.  I suffered a loss, the loss of a dream and it was heart breaking.

I use the word “suffer” advisedly.  Many of you may have read some of my thoughts on this.  I believe there is a big difference between pain and suffering.  Pain is unavoidable, part of life.  Suffering occurs when we judge our pain as wrong in some way.

I suffered my loss.  My dream had died and I did not want to accept it gracefully.  I did not like what my life looked like anymore.  Nothing pleased me, nothing seemed to work.  I thought my life sucked and I wanted a change.

One of the difficulties I was having concerns this newsletter.   The funds that allow me to publish it every two months or so dried up.   Which is why so many months passed before I could publish this issue and I don’t know when another one will be possible.  Since I love Freedom Inside and all it stands for, this was a difficult thing for me to accept.

I looked within myself to see what kind of change I could make.  I thought I might enjoy moving from Oregon and starting fresh somewhere new, some new place where I would find a worthy project to spend my energy on.  Something to give my life meaning again.

I looked for inspiration.  I waited for my inner knowing to kick in and tell me where I should go, what I should do.

When I go within, I usually get an answer fairly quickly.  I’ve gone through this kind of thing before and have always found some inspiring answer after a few weeks.

But weeks went by, then months, and still nothing.  No inner knowing of what my life was going to be about.

That worried me and disappointed me.  I wanted a change and I wasn’t getting a new path to follow.

Nobody who has been reading my articles will be surprised to know that I believe life is an inside job.  That the quality of my experience depends entirely on the quality of the energy I put out there.

I’ve known that for a long time. Years.  I’ve believed that and live it to the best of my abilities.

But this time I resisted.  Boy, did I ever resist!   I persisted in looking outside of myself to find the perfect solution that would end my suffering.  My thoughts went a bit like this, “I know life is an inside job but this time, this one time surely, if I changed my outside situation, I would be happy again.”

So I looked and looked for some way to come back to myself again, to a life of love and peace, by changing my life. I did this for months.

Until one day, my inner knowing became stronger than my resistance, at least for long enough for me to understand what I was doing, to recognize I was allowing my Ego to control me.

My Ego loves to control.  It loves to view me as a victim of life, as having to defend myself against pain, against life’s troubles.  It loves to have me believe that if I don’t grab control of my life, at least of the big decisions, I would be taken places I may not wish to go.  My Ego is all about fear.

But that’s not who I choose to be.  I do not choose to allow fear to control me.  I much prefer to allow my Self, my soul connection, to decide how my life goes.

My life is absolutely an inside job.  Everything I see, feel, smell, touch, taste, hear, all my experiences happen inside of me.  Some may disagree that there is such a thing as the soul.  They may say that all we experience simply comes through our brain.  I won’t get into an argument with anyone about that right now, because my point is that our brain is what translates all that is around us into something we can understand.

And our brain does that by categorizing the data that comes in, comparing it to our past experiences, and triggering emotions about those experiences.  That is how we react to the different situations that happen around and to us.  At least that is how it happens a lot of the time.

That is why I “suffered” through my loss.  That is why I tried so hard to find a way to change my outer experience so that my inner experience would also change.  I remembered some past experiences when changing something in my life brought relief from pain.  And relief sounded pretty good to me at that point.  But relief does not heal.  It simply soothes the symptom of the suffering, not the reason for it.

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My suffering came from me judging my pain to be wrong.  I felt it needed to stop.  The sooner the better.

Healing would come, this I knew very well, only through inner work.  I did not want to do it.  A part of me did not want to step out of my victim mode to take a good look at what was really happening.  But Life had other plans for me.  It allowed my “searching for answers” to continue without any solution in sight.  Until the moment came that I finally decided to let go of the dramatic story I was telling myself and come back to who I really am.

And who I am is as T. de Charding said, a spiritual being having a human experience.  Which means whatever happens around me does not define who I am.  So why should I allow it to determine how I feel about anything.

My flash bulb moment came when I recognized (again!!) that the quality of my life depends entirely on the quality of what I put out there.  When I live each moment with love, my life feels full.

So that’s what I started to do right then and there. The smallest things I did, I did with love.  When I went to the store, I did it with gratitude that I am able to do so, with love for the people who served me, sending them loving and peaceful wishes for their happiness.

The difference that made in my life is  amazing.  It brought me to the next highest version of who I am.  It brought me happiness and peace.  All without changing anything in my outer situations.

I still don’t know when I’ll be able to write another issue of Freedom Inside.  Just so you guys, know, it costs quite a lot to send out each issue. So I wanted you to know I don’t have a clue when the next one will be published.  Hopefully within a few months.

But, in the meantime, if you are interested in a great book about what you can do in times of crises, I suggest you read “When Everything Changes Change Everything” where you will find a detailed model of how to change your life.  Write me if you would like a copy.

And know you are blessed.