Janine's Articles From the Soul From the Outside Poetry Corner Prisoner Letters

Through the Labyrinth of Self-Love
by AT
Pennsylvania

As I delve within the most intrinsic core of my being--on a trek to spiritual freedom--the inability to forgive my mother has remained the unconquerable hurdle on my journey.

Although I’ve forgiven her from a cognitive standpoint, her rejection still lingers inside my subconscious--unrestrained, with resentment--already overflowing like a toxic cesspool!!!

So in all honesty, the forgiveness process on my part has not at all been a wholeness act from the heart.

Yet because betrayal and abandonment continue to be a lucidly satiric fact of my life, the incessant groveling about this matter wins me absolutely no prizes...

So as I ponder life through the lens of meditation--unearthing searched for answers--I’ve discovered calluses this unforgiving still has on my heart!

And as embarrassing as this is to admit folks: I find myself still paralyzed with fears of abandonment--at forty-five years of age...

I know, I know, but this whole ordeal has actually effected the way I view the (other) women I have in my life,  making it a cancer of resentment.

But while I’ve secretly detested my mother for the better part of three decades--for her role directly or indirectly inflicting immeasurable physical, emotion, and psychological pain--those damaging scars are finally beginning to heal.

This is mostly due to God being invited into my meditative space.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just a dreamer, but I’m really hoping that God can help allay or relieve my hurt somehow, that I’ve experienced since a little boy.

And after meditating, I momentarily paused as I appreciate the flow of breath, and count the blessings of having a personal angel in my life.

Because through the lens of forgiveness, maybe I could have seen how my mother only acted out her own pain.

Or if I wasn’t so selfish, maybe I could’ve seen how she was a victim of domestic Violence herSelf,..trying herself to deal with her own wounds!

Now I’m able to recognize the struggle of her journey .  Acknowledging my mother’s rejection actually had nothing to do with me per se...but more or less hinging on her inability to truly love herself.

So, in effect, this caused her not to be able to love me!

Life is funny like that...

And with hindsight being 20/20, how could I honestly detest someone who’s experienced so much visceral pain of her own?

And somehow what gets lost in the translation of things is this: I’m the one who needs to ask for forgiveness..if for no other reason than not recognizing that my mother was as innocent a victim as I was myself.

So as I fix my gaze on a starless sky--witnessing clouds free the moon--the gates of my heart suddenly spring open, undoing the resentment for good...

Each present moment is an opportunity for a new beginning.  And it’s through suffering that the soul learns wisdom and compassion.  And once this process is initiated: the inner spirit of a person gradually becomes able to attain a newfound freedom--from the realm of self-recrimination.

There will always be battles.  There will always be wounds.  And life will always attempt to strip ones confidence!

And when my memory now tries to look back.  I’m strong enough to say, “that was a dark hole in my life, but I’m better for it.  I survived it. And grew from it.  And I’m the beautiful, strong, caring individual I am today- because of that pain.”  So no more looking back shadow gazing!!  I am an overcomer, because love conquers all...

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UNBROKEN RAINBOWS

I arise with dandelions on my mind

Thoughts float in the breeze.

As I ponder destiny’s next wish

I surrender on bending knees,

O Heavenly Father,

I praise you for each fight,

Even under stormy clouds

Serenity is found in their depths.

A child of the universe

no less than trees and stars,

whatever your labors and aspirations keep an open heart.

Nurture faith and spirit

take kindly the counsel of years

seek the strength of God

He’ll allay all your fears.

Prisoner Letters

Latest Issue: 92