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Bless the Children

by William Lang

The purpose of this writing is to give adults the tools to live a happy life, enabling them to undo the harm suffered as children, and to give the children the tools to avoid life’s woes at the earliest possible age. If you went out to build a house without tools, you would not get far. Tools to build a functional life are basically a heightened awareness of what is going on around you, and why. It is my experience that if I understand why others do what they do, and why I react the way I do, then I can come from a much more compassionate, understanding, and loving place. I will come closer to creating my life based on who I really am automatically.

One of the first things a child learns is to instinctively show people what they have, and what they can make. They need to orient themselves early on as to whether their perception of something is accurate or not, and also to start building a self- image that will be their guide for life. All too often when they get a bit older, they are told that is dumb, or don’t be silly, or that’s ridiculous. In my opinion parents don’t pay enough attention to their child’s perception of anything, not understanding that this is how they judge if what they think they understand is correct. And thus starts the beginning of the self- image formation that is completed somewhere around eighteen to twenty. With the help of parents, piers, siblings, and teacher, most of whom have no idea how much they are contributing to the child’s self-image, life goes on. It is helpful at this time to make the distinction between self-image, and self-esteem. I observe that self –image is, for the most part a lifelong appraisal of one’s self that is very difficult to change. As matter of fact one can never change one’s self-image, although a new image can be formed with great difficulty. Self-esteem on the other hand is an automatic emotional response generally created by the individual having created something, and exhibiting self-pride. A lack of self-esteem is generally caused by the lack of creativity, primarily the result of a poor self-image. If a child has been slammed to the mat a few thousand times, and the self-image is non-existent, then they will feel unable to produce adequately, or they will feel less than capable, and worst of all, undeserving, and unworthy.

Now let us talk about love. In a child’s life, love plays a very important role. All too often there is a perception that if there is no love being shown, it is not there. It is helpful at this time to be very clear that everybody has the same capacity to love. Some get bound up in the expression of that love, and so it appears that there is no love forthcoming. Some show their love by going to work, and doing the best they can for a lifetime for the family, and can never bring themselves to say I love you, or give a child a long reassuring hug, I know this because I lived it. Some also feel that the only way to make a child walk the straight and narrow, is to inflict pain on them until they do as they are told. Combine this with never hearing I love you or being hugged, and you can visualize what the self-image is going to look like. The child that feels unloved, and at the same time looks up to their parents as the best guides they will ever have , now must feel that it is not a good thing to love, or at least to show it, and that is generally what they will pass on to their children. This is the scenario in which I grew up. After living for the first twenty years with hate, anger, fear, loving, and general frustration, I was very lucky at the age of forty eight, to be in a group session and in ten minutes, there was not a trace of anger or hate or anything except love left for my father. This was one of the greatest moments in my life. I realized with the help of the group leader that my father only did what he knew how to do, and nothing more. If he had the awareness about which I am writing when I was born, none of this would have happened, but of course I would not be the person I am.

While we are still dealing with children, let us examine some possibilities regarding responsibility. All too often when a child is young, and growing, there will be mishaps. Mom or dad yells, “Ok, who is responsible for this?  Nobody wants to say a word, and eventually the truth gets out, and frequently somebody gets a slap or spanking. If this happens enough, a pattern begins to evolve. Responsibility is linked to punishment or something negative. I truly believe that much of our youth’s lack of responsibility stems from this misconception of what responsibility really is. Allow me to share with you the best definition I have heard so far.

Responsibility starts with the willingness to experience yourself as cause.  It starts with the willingness to experience yourself as cause in the matter. Responsibility is not burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame, or guilt. All these include judgments, and evaluations of good, and bad, right, and wrong, better or worse. They are not responsibility. They are derived from a ground of being in which self is considered to be a thing or an object rather than a context. Responsibility starts with the willingness to deal with a situation from, and with the point of view, whether at the moment realized or not, that you are the source of what you are, what you do, and what you have. This point of view extends to include even what is done to you, and ultimately what others do to others. Ultimately, responsibility is a context, a context of self as source for the content, i.e., for what is.

Credit-Werner Erhard

OK, we have covered self-image, self-esteem, responsibility and love. Let us now talk about the three characteristics of human beings that run all of us. Run may sound like a drastic word to use, one that some might think negates our ability to make wise choices, and yes, that is what happens much of the time. These three characteristics start to be formed at a very early age, and by the time one is an adult they are chiseled in stone.

The first is the absolute need to be right. Millions have died as a result of somebody needing to be right.

The second is the need to look good. The ego plays terrible tricks on us in an effort to look good. We use the phrase "looking for someone’s approval” to describe our interaction with others very often. What most don’t understand is that we are our own audience. We have already decided on how we look, and we are looking to others for agreement in most cases not approval. Most don’t make this distinction.

The third characteristic is the need to be comfortable. By that I do not mean comfortable surroundings. I mean that one needs to feel comfortable around others. If you are interacting with me, you need to feel safe in that I will not mock you, or make fun of you, and that you can trust me in whatever our dealings. I will pose no threat or harm to you. I invite you to be a silent observer the next time you are interacting with others, watch, and listen for one or more of these characteristics entering into the conversation or dealings.

The next item I would like to share with you, and probably the most important of all is resistance. This is without a doubt the cause of all problems, and fighting.  I would like to have you involve yourself in a little process at this time. It may seem ridiculous and childish, but trust me; this is a real eye opener. You must be sitting at your computer at the moment, so just take both of your hands and push gently on the computer table. Come on now, nobody is watching. Now, feel yourself resisting the table, feel the table resisting you. Don't wreck the place, this is just an exercise. Now understand beyond a shadow of a doubt that the table could be me, your boss, a family member, a situation, a thought you have that you don't want to have, it could be anything that you resist. Now, without letting go of the table, go into the kitchen and turn on the water. How are you making out? I don't hear any water running yet. The point is that as long as you resist anything, you become a part of whatever you are resisting. That resistance will persist as long as you resist. What you have done is give up your freedom to stay and make a difference, or remove yourself from an undesirable situation. Just for the record, let’s get a good clear definition of freedom. Freedom is the ability to do the opposite, nothing more or nothing less. You can't go turn on the water until you let go of the table, and stop resisting it. As soon as you let go of the table, you are no longer a part of it. Now, the statement that many make is, if I stop resisting, that must mean that I am acquiescing to whatever the situation is. Not so, all you are doing is creating freedom to do as you choose.  Love, and freedom is all there is, and by resisting, you give up half of all life. There are times when we must go to war, at least it seems so, and resist an enemy, but let us concern ourselves with day to day living, and not the extremes like war. I’m sure that many wars could be avoided if there was no resistance first.  Everybody wants to be right, and look good.

The last thing I want to share with you is unconditional love. To be able to experience unconditional love, one must involve oneself in a conditioning process that takes time. The payoff is well worth while. The ultimate display of this love will come as an automatic reaction. I would like to share with you a time in my life about four years ago. It was a very simple little happening, but I became aware that I had arrived at a point in my life where I could call up unconditional love automatically without thinking about it. I shared this in a letter with a mentor of mine, and I thought his response was just great.

This is, in my opinion, what it means to be in alignment with the intention of the universe.

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Dear Jim, 

Forgive me for bending your ear, but I don't have but you to share what I call very important breakthroughs with. Let me start by sharing a happening that got this new awareness started. One of the profound elements here is that it transpired in about one minute with me running totally on automatic. What a rush!

We have a coat rack at the head of the cellar stairs that has five hooks on it. Yesterday my wife came to me when I was concentrating intently on my practicing the piano, and said, “You know, you are a lot taller than I, and have a lot longer reach, and yet for the last fourteen years, since I moved in here, you use the first three or four hooks closest to the landing, and I have only one or two with the farthest to reach.” I stopped what I was doing and immediately took down all my clothes that were not absolutely necessary, and put them in the cellar, and what was left, I put on the last two hooks, and moved her things closest to the landing.

This was all on automatic, with absolutely no resistance. I have to admit we both were a little surprised at the speed, efficiency, and lack of resistance surrounding this move. Then the thought process started to kick in.

When things are running along smoothly, and then there is a disruption of some kind, and your attention to what you were doing is interrupted, for a split second there is a void while you are deciding how you will respond to the new stimulus. You are not concentrating on the old focus, and your system has not yet focused on the new. It is rare that you will consciously think through what your response to the new issue will be. Your system will start the ball rolling automatically, based on how you normally handle things of that particular nature. If you are programmed to respond with anger, that is what will come up. If you are conditioned to respond with compassion, that is what will come up, etc. I have conditioned myself to fill this void with unconditional love first as a background, and then shift into full awareness for a more detailed response.

When you create a void, it must be filled. The universe does not permit voids. If you plow up a piece of ground, and do nothing with it, in no time there will be grass, weeds, and all kinds of vegetation on that spot, provided there is enough water to sustain life of some form. Well, in human beings, who create a void as I did, that void was filled immediately with unconditional love. Not that unconditional love wasn't there before, but now a void has to be filled according to the intention of the universe, and unconditional love is the best candidate for the job. I can't tell you how I marveled over this epiphany, and all the effort I have put into not resisting, and seeing the gift in all that shows up for me, really was experienced in this glorious moment. When one can align one’s self with the intention of the universe on automatic, without even thinking about it for a second, what a rush!!!!!!! It's like an athlete who steps into the zone, with the first step onto the playing field. The prior conditioning allows no thought to be required for this to happen. Thanks to CwG, and the coaching training, my efforts to accomplish this were minimal.

Now if we just sit back, and allow our minds to wander, and imagine what is possible when this process is done on a daily basis, on automatic pilot. Wow! Amazing what shows up!  Can you imagine every action on your part being beneficial not only to you, but to everybody with whom you come in contact?  Obviously this is a conditioning process, and should be started as young as possible, but nevertheless, think of the possibilities!

I will close for now, but would love to hear your response, if any, to this rambling, and excitement. 

Affectionately 

Bill

Hey Bill! 

Congratulations for your great breakthrough.  Let this incidence become a reference point in the new foundation of consciousness you are building for yourself.  The "ZONE" metaphor is right on the money. When you connect the dots in this way, you are registering what happened at a different level of knowingness; a level that will have a lasting and profound effect on the rest of your life.  It is a spiritual "nuclear explosion" precipitated by creating a critical mass that acts as a catalyst in causing the huge breakthrough.  It is one thing to know these elements on an intellectual level but a whole new reality feeling them in the core of your being. Isn't it amazing how it all happens so effortlessly?  You are simply being who you really are. 

Bless you, my brother! 

Jim 

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I am back, and these pages are filled with the tools one requires to lead a balanced life, being able to handle whatever situation comes along.  Awareness, is consciousness observation, but more often than not, by the time we observe something to learn from it, the damage has already been done; trends, and habits have already been set. We must teach our children to recognize what is happening to them as it is happening, so they have all the tools they need to create a good life, and a good family background in which to produce a healthy next generation.

I have asked the question to many people, “What is the most important thing in the world to you?”. The answers are varied from my money, to my family, to my parents, and the list goes on. I say the most important thing in the world to me is, how effective am I in whatever I say is important to me. If I say my children are the most important thing in the world to me, and I provide a dysfunctional home in which they must live, then all I have proven is that talk is cheap.  I will leave you on that note. It has been a pleasure sharing my thoughts with you.

Bless you
Bill